Won’t Nobody Help a Naked Man ?

Burt

“Won’t Nobody Help a Naked Man”   …. a short story by me.

The title of this story was taken from a line in a Randy Newman song called “Naked Man.”
It’s on his album, released in 1974, called “Good Old Boys” which is still one of
my favorite albums. Give it a listen if you want to treat yourself.
I live near a small town which contains a University. This next story is
taken from the weekly newspaper of said town. A resident of The Washington
House Condominiums was surprised last week when she discovered a naked man
lying in her bed, police said. According to the police, the incident occured
around 9:10 PM last Thursday at the luxury condos located right on Main Street.
The police said that the suspect climbed a scaffolding being used to fix the
facade of the building. He did this wearing only a pair of shorts. Upon entering
the victim’s window, he then removed his shorts and posed naked on the woman’s
bed. When the woman opened her bedroom door and noticed the suspect lying
naked on her bed, she screamed and ran into the hallway. Neighbors heard the
screams and surrounded the suspect until police arrived. The suspect was
arrested and charged with burglary, criminal mischief, two counts of indecent
exposure, and two counts of criminal trespassing. He was committed to a
correctional facility after failing to post $10,400 in bail.

I don’t make this stuff up, folks. I just report it.

Here’s a different story. So I pulled up to the deli and there was only
one parking spot right in the middle. The car on the right was parked
exactly in the center of the parking spot and the car on the left was
parked with the tires on the right side line of the parking spot making
it a tight squeeze for me. I centered my car as best I could and I had to
worm my way out of my car. I wanted to violently open my door and leave
the car on theleft with a 1-foot dent but I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it,
one, because I don’t do that sort of thing and, two, and maybe more importantly,
I noticed that there was someone sitting in the driver’s seat. It was a
lady…. maybe three years older than me. I said to her, ” I think that you
are supposed to park between the yellow lines…not on them.” She said,
“Thank you” so I guess she didn’t know.

Movie review #1……I saw the movie “Gravity” last week. It’s from 2013 and got
10 Academy Award nominations and won 7. George Clooney and Sandra Bullock are
both excellent. It definitely held my attention and I enjoyed it very much and
I recommend it. I gave it 3.5 stars out of a possible 5. I would have given it
a higher mark but it is an outer-space, scince-fiction type movie and they are not
among my favorites. Again, though, I did enjoy it. You should see it.

Movie review #2………I saw the movie “Unbroken” last week. Here is what Wikipedia
has to say…”Unbroken is a 2014 American biographical war drama film, produced and
directed by Angelina Jolie, and based on the 2010 non-fiction book by Laura
Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption.
The film revolves around the life of USA Olympian and athlete Louis “Louie” Zamperini,
portrayed by Jack O’Connell. Zamperini survived in a raft for 47 days after his bomber
was downed in World War II, then was sent to a series of prisoner of war camps.”
The film received 3 Academy Award nominations and did not win any. I thought the movie was
fantastic and I gave it 4 stars out of 5. There’s some violence in it so it’s not
for the squeamish but I recommend this one heartily.

Baseball….Look,it’s Summer, it’s hot, I like to watch baseball, and I’m a lifetime
Phillies fan. It’s not my fault. I HAVE to watch. The Phils were predicted, before the season
began, to win only 68 games. That’s the least amount of any other team in the major leagues.
So far, they have been right on target. What is special is their record on the road. The season
is just about exactly 10 weeks old and the Phillies have won a total of 7 games on the road. As
I write this, they have just lost their 9th straight road game in terrific fashion. Let me give you
just a couple of the low-lights. Early in the game, with the Phils ahead 1 – 0, the Pirates
had a man on second base and there were no outs. The batter hit a ground ball to shortstop
which the Phils player could have scooped up and thrown to first for a sure out. Instead, he
tried to get the lead runner at third. The throw was wide and the runner was safe. So, now
the Pirates have first and third with no outs. The batter hits a ground ball to third. The
Phils third basemen could have gotten the runer at 2nd but would not have gotten a double
play. Instead, he elected to go home to try to cut off the run. The throw was a little bit
to the cather’s right but the catcher did a good job of stretching to his right, grabbing the
ball and applying a sweep tag to the runner. The umpire called him out until he realized, as did
everyone else, that the Phils catcher did everything right except bring the ball with him. The
ball was still sitting on the ground in front of home plate. So, the score was now 1 – 1 and
the Pirates had men on first and second. Skipping ahead, with the Phils down 4 – 2 in the 8th,
they manged to score a run so they were only down 4 – 3 and they had the bases loaded with
nobody out and their hottest hitter at the plate (I can’t remember his name.) He hit a ground
ball to the drawn-in third basemen who threw home to get the force out at the plate. The Phils
next hitter hit an “excuse me” swinging bunt halfway to the pitcher’s mound which the pitcher
scooped up and threw to the catcher for another force-out at the plate. The next Phillies hitter
hit a sharp ground ball directly at the 2nd baseman who easily threw out the runner. The score
remained 4 to 3. The Phillies went down meekly 1, 2, 3 in the 9th and their 9th straight road
loss was in the books. The Phillies are 7 – 25 on the road and 19 games under .500 and it’s
only June 14th.  Dust off the record books……this could get REALLY ugly.

Basketball…..When the National Basketball Association Finals got underway, I wrote that I thought
that it would be a good and interesting series between the Golden State Warriors and the Cleveland
Cavaliers.  Then, during game 1, the Cavs 2nd best player went down with a fractured knee cap which
ended his season. I then wrote that the series was over.  Yet, due in large part to tremendous
play on the part of LeBron James, who might be the best basketball player on the planet. the series
is tied at 2 – 2. I still think Golden State is going to win but I now think it’s probably going
to go 7 games. Game 5 is tonight at 8 PM on ABC. It’s being played at Golden State. It has turned
into an incredibly interesting and fascinating series.

More Baseball…..A couple of weeks ago, a major league baseball team ( I think it was the Oakland
Athletics) promoted a player from the minor leagues to the major league club. He is a pitcher that
had an Earned Run Average under 2.0 in the minor leagues. For the un-initiated, that means he was
doing great. What makes this pitcher special is that he can pitch with either hand. He wears a special
glove that he can wear on either hand. If a right handed batter comes up, he pitches right handed. If
it’s a lefty, he pitches lefty. Obviously, I don’t know his name or I would tell you. I only know
that, a couple of weeks ago, he made his debut out of the bullpen. The first batter he faced was left
handed and he threw left handed and got the batter out. The next hitter was a right hander. The pitcher
pitched right handed and the hitter got a single. The next hitter was right handed so, of course, the
pitcher pitched right-handed again. The hitter hit into a double play and the inning was over. This pitching
with either hand has only happened once in the 120 or so years that they have been playing major
league baseball and it only happened for one inning. The guy that I’m talking about has been
throwing with either hand since hewas 3 years old.  Unfortunately, the next time he pitched,
he hurt his shoulder and he is now on the 15 day disabled list. I REALLY hope it is a minor
injury. I think this guy would be a great draw anda tremendous boost in the arm for major
league baseball. Stay tuned.

One more thought…..Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, after invading the Ukraine, has
been repeatedly scrambling fighter jets within miles of the protected air space of NATO allied
nations in Eastern Europe. Genocide is still routinely practiced in some countries in Africa.
Something like 25% of children in the United States of America go to bed hungry every night.
What has been the biggest conversation in the U.S. for the past couple of weeks? Some guy….or
not a guy….named Caitlyn Jenner. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself
lucky and forget about this paragraph.

That’s it for now. As always, thanks for reading. You are now free to resume your normally
scheduled lives.

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