Random Thoughts…..Volume 14


Random Thoughts ……Volume 14. A short story by me.

I didn’t want to use the picture above for this short story. It’s just that they were asleep and they didn’t know that their picture was taken so I HAD to use it. I’m sorry, but that is an inside joke for my personal friends. Let’s move on.

Peyton Manning, the quarterback for the Denver Broncos is taking a paycut from $19 million to $14 million to help the team with their salary structure. Man, what a sacrifice !!! I don’t know how he’s gonna get by. I hope, as the NFL season get underway, some of you good and generous people will be willing to send a small donation Peytons’s way.

The snow had ended and I wanted to see how much accumulation there was in my zipcode. On my computer I googled (yes, it’s a verb) something like “snow accumualation 19711.” The results gave me plenty of sites to choose from. I chose one and waited while the cursor was spnning for about 60 seconds. When it finished it said “This page could not be displayed.” So I started over and, after about 5 minutes or so, I got to a picture of where I live (Newark, DE) and it showed the radar map and had a “plus” sign to click on. When I clicked on it, I got a 2 minute instructional video for what to do for vaginal dryness. It wasn’t a commercial for a product. It was more like advice…what to eat, what topical creams to apply, etc. Now, it wasn’t what I asked for but I’ll watch anything that talks about vaginas so I’m happy to report to you pre-menstrual, mentrual, and post-menstrual ladies that, according to the nice lady on the video, it is ok to masturbate. It seems that it helps the natural secretions needed for sex. There, I feel like I’ve done my good deed for the day. You’re welcome. As far as snow accumulation, I had now spent about 15 minutes trying to get the information so I went outside and stuck a yardstick into the snow……right around 6 inches. How much time did it take to do the yardstick routine ? It took about 90 seconds…because I measured twice. Computers have made our lives so much easier, don’t you agree ?

Today at 2 AM was “Spring Ahead Day” meaning we turn our clocks ahead one hour. I have 3 clocks in my kitchen because one is on the microwave and one is in the stove. The other clock has a “ship’s wheel” design and is more for decoration and not so plainly visible. Time goes by SO FAST that, when I went to change the time on THAT clock, I realized I had never changed it one hour back last Fall and never noticed it.

Here’s a Deep Thought from my friend Bob Stecher: “I wonder if one could eat 50 Buffalo Wings during the “I Can Eat 50 Eggs” portion of the movie “Cool Hand Like.””

I guess, because pepperoni pizza is too healthy for you, Little Caesars has developed a bacon encrusted pepperoni pizza. It’s true. I saw it in one of their commericals. I don’t make this stuff up.

We have had an unusually cold Winter here in the mid-Atlantic Area of the East Coast. We had about 7 inches of snow this past Thursday, which was really only our 2nd significant snow day. We’ve had some ice storms, too, but it has been the relentless cold that has made this a bad Winter. For the past three days, the temperature went above freezing and I can finally feel my testicles again. That may be too much information for you, but it sure is nice for me.

I’m becoming “Charlie” in the “Two and a Half Men” re-runs on TV. Charlie was always up late drinking and watching TV and those commercials would come on advertising things he doesn’t need and he’d reach for the phone and, at least, try to order them. I did this a few weeks ago. I have been thinking about learning to speak Spanish. A commercial came on TV and said that you could learn to speak the language just by listening to the CDs that whoever it was was selling. All you had to do was listen to these CDs for 30 minutes a day and, in about 3 or 4 months, you’d be speaking Spanish. I wrote down their web-site and went and ordered them. It wasn’t a whole lot of money…..at least I think it wasn’t. I’ll find out when the credit card bill arrives.  When the CDs showed up, I was, like, “What the hell are these?” Then, I faintly remembered that I ordered them. I don’t have 30 minutes a day to listen and practice Spanish ! I can’t keep up with all of the stuff I’m supposed to do now ! Just 3 days ago, I opened my front door to step outside and there was a small box leaning against my house. I immediately thought “Uh-oh, I wonder what I ordered.” After opening it, I realized it was some men’s cologne I ordered, while perfectly sober, in the middle of the afternoon, because it was a good price because of a Groupon. I have told myself, though….”No more late night ordering.”

During the weekend of February 19 – 22, the Professional Golf Tournament called the “Northern Trust Open” was played at Riviera Country Club in California. The tournament was won by a guy named James Hahn. The announcers couldn’t say enough nice things about Mr. Hahn. He was a gentleman..he’d been on the tour for years…had never won…only even placed in the top 10 four times……yet he won the tournament and the $1.2 million that went with it. Before the tournament started, James was ranked as the 297th best player in the World. Last week, the PGA tournament called “The Honda Classic” was played at the PGA National Champions course in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. The tournament was won buy a guy named Padraig Harrington from Ireland or Scotland. He used to be be a household name among the golf fans. He has won 3 major tournaments in his career but he had not won anything since 2008. Yet he won the Honda Classic and the $1.1 million that went with it. As I said, Padraig used to be amongst the golfing elite but that was 7 years ago. Before last week’s tournament began, Padraig’s game had fallen off so badly that he was ranked as the 297th best golfer in the World. I don’t know about you, but if this isn’t a clear sign that God is telling us that we should be playing the Daily Number of 297, I don’t know what is.

That’s it for now. Thanks for reading and feel free to resume your normally scheduled lives.


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