Do Old People Steal Stuff ? ….. a short story by me.
My old friend, Bob, and I used to laugh about this. We would see stories in the newspaper about old people stealing stuff in drugstores or department stores. We would see these stories often. I’m not talking about old people that had a choice between medicine and eating cat food. I’m talking about well-to-do old people that were just tired of paying high prices for things. So I asked my Mom when she was a young pup of 73 if she ever stole stuff. She looked at me in shock…”Of course not”, she says, “Why would I ever do that?” I told her I just wanted to know. I also asked my Mom’s twin sister the same question some months later. I got the same reaction. When I told my friend, Bob, that I had asked them, I thought he would pee himself….we laughed so hard. We’ll come back to this.
OK. Fast forward about 9 or 10 years. Years ago, a box of 6 lb. Dura flame logs for a fireplace cost $16 per box. I would try to get them on sale for $12. They are now $24 per box so I look for sales. My local grocery store had them on sale 5 or 6 weeks ago for $17, limit of 4 boxes….good deal. This should keep me good for the entire winter. Of course, they didn’t have them so I got a rain check. I will say that my local store is very good about their rain checks….they honor them for 3 months. So I’ve been past the store a few times in the past weeks and stopped in…they never have the 6 – 6lb. Dura flame boxes that were on sale. I stopped in the store today. I should mention at this point that I was having some body aches today and I was angry at myself. I was angry because I have, like, a million ibuprofen pills at home and I usually have a few on me and I never need them. Today, I did need them and I didn’t have any with me. I found a small bottle of store-brand ibuprofen for $2. I put them in the cart in the cup holder. I then looked for the Dura flames. Whattya know ? They have 2 boxes ! I loaded them up and took them to customer service. I had a long wait….one employee working the customer service counter at 5 PM. Finally, it’s my turn. I wanted 2 more boxes. Of course, they didn’t have them. “OK”, I say, “give me the 2 for $17 each and give me a new rain check for 2 more.” She says, “We can’t do that….we get in trouble anymore for that.” “OK, then”, I say, “there are 12 loose Dura flame 6 pounders on the shelf. How about if I take them and we call it 4 boxes?” “I have to get the manager.” The manger shows up after awhile and says “OK” so off I go to get 12 more logs. Now I’m pushing a 144 pound loaded shopping cart back to customer service. I have another long wait but at least there are now 2 kids working. The child behind the counter goes to ring it up. It should be $68 so I’m happy. Remember. regular price would have been $96. It turns out that the logs are on sale for $21 per box this week so the computer thinks I should get even $3 MORE per box off the price which would be $56 and that’s what it rings up…..total of $56. The child says “Wait, this isn’t right. I can’t do that. Awwww, what the hell, I’m outta here in 2 weeks….$56.” It turns out that she gave her 2 weeks notice today so she doesn’t care. Regular price $96….my price $56. This is fantastic ! The USA is a great country !
I’m done. I’ve got my receipt and I’m ready to go. It’s then that I notice that I forgot all about the $2 small box of ibuprofen in the cup holder in the cart. I think, instantly, that this is the price that they are gonna pay for taking so much of my time….so I stole ’em.
Do old people steal stuff ? Yes !!!! Hahahahahahaha !!!!!!!