Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet


Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet – a short story by me.

I don’t eat a lot of bread.

That’s a lie. I eat a ton of bread. It’s just always connected to a product like a hamburger or a meatball sandwich. What I should say is I don’t usually have bread in the house. If I’m making one of my meals like tuna salad, or BLTs, or something like that, then sure I’ll have bread but not usually. I do have a bread drawer in the kitchen, however. I keep crackers in the bread drawer. Whenever I get soup or Wendy’s chili or junk like that, they always give you a ton of crackers. I also bought a bag of oyster crackers and they belong in the bread drawer. For some unknown reason, there are also plastic straws in that drawer.

I warmed up a can of Progresso soup a few days ago and went in the drawer to get some crackers. To my utter surprise, there was nothing but celophane wrappers and the straws in the drawer. Even the big bag of oyster crackers was gone.

My mind jumped right to the obvious conclusion. Someone is breaking into my house, eating the crackers and leaving the celophane so I don’t find it in the trash and become suspicious. Then, slowly, another thought crept into my mind. It’s possible, just possible, that I might have a mouse. OK, let’s not panic. I’ve dealt with ants, crickets, and stink bugs. This is just a step up in weight class. At least it’s only found it’s way into the bread drawer. They are so tiny they can get into anything. I’ve got an aluminum bag of croutons on top of the counter and it is not bothering the croutons. Wait a minute….it DOES seem to be bothering with the croutons.

Holy crap !!!! Look at the size of the bite mark in the crouton bag. Maybe I should get a cat but it looks like I’d need a mountain lion for this thing. For any of you that are near my age, I was thinking about Rocky and Bullwinkle and the episodes devoted to 6-foot metal munching mice.

OK. I know one of those old fashioned, spring loaded mouse traps is not going to work. Like Mongo in the movie “Blazing Saddles”, that’s just going to make him mad. So I got a couple of  D_CON mouse traps at the hardware store. I’m supposed to twist the trap until the red color is on the word “set” and then put some peanut butter (what ?) or cheese inside. I don’t mean to offend anyone or be-little anything but I can’t help how my mind works. I baited the traps with cheese and was thinking, “Ok, buddy, welcome to Auschwitz for Mouse-chwitz.”

I went to bed and tried not to think about mice crawling across my face. In the morning, I checked the trap. According to the directions, if the trap is shut and the red color is on “mouse caught”, you have yourself one dead mouse already in his casket.

That was EXACTLY the case.

So I did a little victory dance around the kitchen and did some trash talking. Just innocent fun stuff like “You didn’t know who you were messing with, did you? Well, you picked the wrong guy. I hope your friends heard the news and left town. Hahahahahahaha.” You know, stuff like that.

Then, a sobering thought hit me. What if I just got one of the kids? What if Mom and Pop are still around ?

I’d appreciate it if one of my children would text me once a day for the next few days to see if I’m still alive…..just in case.


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