Maybe It’s Not My Day

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The following is a short story by me. It’s called “Maybe It’s Not My Day.”

Man, what a nice night it was last night ! It was late. I was watching a west coast football game that started at 10:30 PM Eastern time. I had some Chinese food and plenty of beer. My team was winning which means I was winning money and life was good. It was also “turn back the clock night” which means an extra hour of sleep and I had a great plan for Sunday. The plan was to turn in my 1 o’clock bets and then do my daily walking and then go to the seafood store and get some steamed crabs to go with the Sunday night game. It’s also chilly here now at night so I cleaned off the fireplace wall so I could have a nice fire on Sunday night. I finished watching the football game, watched a couple of shows that I had recorded and fell asleep, as usual, on the sofa. I woke up around 5 AM, changed the clock on the microwave, stove, alarm clock and my watch and settled into bed for a quick, additional 7 hours sleep. Life is good !

I woke up to the sound of the alarm at noon, as scheduled, splashed some water on my face, brushed my teeth and headed downstairs to study before placing my bets. I’m doing my studying of NFL notes; things like the over / under is 6 / 0 the last time these two teams played, this team has covered the spread the last 5 weeks, stuff like that. I decide on my picks but I need to know what games are going to be on TV, As I get up to do that, I notice that the computer says it’s 1:25 although my watch and everything else says 12:25. “That’s weird”, I think, but I assume it’s because they (whoever “they” are) keep changing the day when we change the clocks. It used to be the last Saturday in October. Then, for awhile, they changed it to the first Saturday in October. Now, this time, it’s the first Saturday in November. I don’t know why they gotta f**k with it anyway, but that’s another story. I turn on the TV and I check the guide and I hit info on FOX to see what game and it’s gonna be Washington and Carolina. So, even though it’s more than 30 minutes away from kickoff, I turn on FOX. They are already playing. No, wait. This must be highlights from last week or something. No. It’s Wash – Carol and there’s just under 7 minutes left in the first quarter. I look at my cell phone. It agrees with the computer that it’s 1:35, not 12:35. Was I lied to ? Am I the only one that set their clocks back ? I call my buddy and he tells me he set his clocks back and the correct time is 1:35. “Am I losing my mind ?”, I think. I remember setting the clocks back at 5 AM. The best I can figure is that I had already done that before I fell asleep the first time. The evidence certainly suggests that, but I have no recollection of it. OK, so I’m a little pissed because I didn’t get my bets in but I’m not gonna let it ruin my day. You, dear readers, know that I’m NOTHING if not patient and flexible. I’m gonna call the seafood place, go do my daily walk, pick up the crabs and a light lunch. I’ll then study the 4 PM games and watch the Giants – Steelers game and then I’ll have crabs and beer with the 8:30 game, Dallas at Atlanta. I have a $100 gift certificate to the seafood store that my kids gave me for Father’s Day and I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to use it. Since you can get a lot of crabs for $100 and the Philadelphia Eagles are on Monday Night Football, this IS the PERFECT Time. Yay !!!!! Now I just have to decide; do I want 1 dozen monster size, or 1 1/2 dozen jumbos or 2 dozen baby jumbos. I wish all my problems were this pleasant. Well, I’ll call and get prices to help me decide.

“Hello, Captains Catch.” says the pleasant female voice.

“Hi, I just want to get today’s crab prices”

She says something but there’s static on the phone.

“There was some static. Could you say it again, please?”

“We are actually sold out of crabs today.”

“Uuummmm”

“I’m sorry.”

“OK. Thank You.”

DOUBLE Farts !!!!! OK, I’m a big boy. I’ve heard “no” before. I hate it but I can take it.

I go to the mall and do my two miles. I’m done and I figure I’ll use the men’s room just in case there’s a traffic jam or something. I open the door to the men’s room and I see a pair of black high-heels in the first stall. I back out and read real slow…..”MEN.” A lady is looking at me and I say to her “There’s a woman in there.” I watch as another guy, about my age, approaches, opens the door, sees the high-heels and he backs out and I see HIM read real slow…”MEN.” I say to him “That’s the exact same thing I did.” He laughs and says “There’s a woman in there.” The lady that I spoke to says “There’s no line or anything in the Ladies room.” We wait and about a minute later the lady comes out and goes on her way. This event is really here nor there but just an indication of how crazy things are today.

We are on our 11th consecutive day of no sun here so maybe that has something to do with it.

It’s 5 PM now and the 2nd round of football games are under way. I think I’m going to go to the casino for awhile. Since up is down and black is white today, maybe I’ll win. They will have the games on there so I can watch my 4 o’clock football money disappear.

I wonder what else will happen.

 

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