The Easter Bunny

I do not like the Easter Bunny. I have never liked the Easter Bunny. Every photo, advertisement, picture or mascot of the Easter Bunny that I have ever seen is more, like, wierd or abnormal or even frightening than it is comforting. They always seem a bit, well, un-masculine, unless the Easter Bunny is a female which still doesn’t seem quite right. I never did get the whole connection with Easter eggs, either. If eggs are involved, shouldn’t it be the Easter Chicken or the Easter Hen ? Does anybody have eggs for Easter dinner ? Does anybody serve chicken for Easter dinner.? Why do we paint the eggs anyway ? None of it makes any sense to me. Even as a kid, I didn’t get any of it. I did think it was terrific that we got a week off of school. I also really liked the fact that an Easter Bunny, or a giant, 6 foot rabbit, or my parents, or a homeless person, or a policeman, SOMEBODY left me a basketfull of awesome candy. This is all background information.

Last Thursday was a typical early Spring day in Delaware. It was gray, cloudy, 37 degrees with a gentle 20 mph breeze making the wind chill factor about 28 degrees. I decided, as usual, to do my daily walking inside the mall. Now, I’ve noticed that they have had an Easter Bunny in a huge, fenced in area near the JC Penney store since about February 15th. The big rabbit sits in a big chair that has, like, huge butterfly wings connected to the chair (refer to the previous chapter). I never pay it much mind. I see women, and some men, waiting in line so they can have their kid’s picture taken with the strange big bunny. This is some kind of tradition, like the Santa Claus thing, so I don’t really even think it’s strange or anything. As I’m finishing my first lap around the mall, I see that there are about 3 women in line – all with strollers – for the picture taking. During my second lap, I get an idea for a “seen at the mall” photo. I’m gonna get my picture taken with the big rabbit !! So, I finish my second lap but there are two people in line and I don’t have much time. I need to do a shortened lap because I have an appointment I need to keep. I finish and I have about 10 minutes to spare and there is no one in line. Perfect ! I go, all by myself, to the velvet rope. The 15 year old “woman” at the cash register 8 feet away looks at me quizzically and says “Can I help you?”. “I’d like to talk to you”, I say. She comes over and I ask if I can get my picture taken with the Easter Bunny and, if yes, please tell me the price. She tells me about 1 picture or if I want, I can have 5 wallet size and, for more, I can do this and that and she shows me a brochure. I ask if I get a color picture or do I get a digital image on a disk or what’s the deal. She says about 10,000 words but I still don’t get it. I have to ask a series of yes / no questions, like playing 20 questions, to eventually get the answer. I should mention by now that the 16 year old “man” who takes the pictures has wandered over to listen. The answer is….they will take several pictures and I can pick the one I like. They will put it on a web-site and give me a code so I can download it to my computer where I can print out a photo if I have a color printer. If not, I can take it to Walgreen’s and they can print out a photo for me. OK, we’ve arrived at comprehension. The Easter Bunny has joined the meeting now, by the way.

“OK. So I can get one picture and I can download it. How much will it cost?”

“Twenty Eight dollars.”

Hhhhhhmmmmm…..that’s more than I want to spend but I think it might be worth it if I can get the right picture.

“OK. There’s just one more thing.”

“What’s that, sir ?”

“I want to sit next to him and give him the finger.”

She looked at me like I just farted real loud.

“Oh, no, sir, we can’t do that.”

“it’s not obscene or anything. It’s just kind of a joke for my friends.”

The “man” has now moved a step forward as if he might need to protect the woman. The woman is looking around behind me as if she is looking for security. The Bunny can’t change his expression so he still just looks stupid with that big, dumb grin.

“Oh, no, sir, I’m sorry. We can’t do anything like that.”

“OK. It was just an idea. Thanks anyway.”

I look at the rabbit and say “No offense.”

He spreads his arms as if to say “None taken.”

I walk away thinking it would have made a great shot.

Dammit !!!!

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